When I opened my banking app today and found a $1,200 deposit from the IRS, my heart sank.

If it were a physical check, I'm not sure I'd deposit it. Not because I can't use the money (each dollar has at least 3 potential uses), but because I have a deep uneasiness about what is behind this.

I've thought about this, prayed and pondered. And I began to realize that the heaviness I feel has almost nothing to do with the money itself. Rather, the issue is trust. Will I begin to trust the government to bail me out whenever there is an challenge? Or will I look to God and family and community?

I have looked death in the face more than once. Physical death, that is. And each time, I discovered that it isn't as scary or as hard as I thought it would be. And the realization set me free to truly live.

But this last month was the first time I truly looked financial death in the face. (I've been nearly broke before, but I never actually looked it in the face. This time, I wasn't in denial about what might happen.) And when I faced it honestly and without flinching, I realized that it would be horrid but it would not kill me. And when I did this, and realized this, I began to experience the most amazing series of financial and relational miracles. Odd jobs. Outright gifts, large and small. Connections and trust built with people whom I hadn't yet learned to trust. Relationships deepened, trust increased, with many of those I already trusted.

And now, this check feels like a threat to all this.

And I don't think that's an exaggeration. I think it could be a deadly threat. If I allow it to be.

But I'm beginning to realize that it doesn't have to be. I can use it to continue the cycle. I can trust that this too is a gift, a blessing from God, an opportunity to respond in faith and not in fear. An opportunity to truly live.