Going Back to Go Forward

This was supposed to be the summer in which I make big strides towards my physical fitness goals. The summer in which I attain new levels of emotional and spiritual maturity, gain new skills, and advance my career.

What actually happened was that back-to-back injuries put me in physical therapy, a counselling/therapy group revealed a lot of emotional immaturity that I hadn't known was there, and I faced spiritual doubts and wrestling that I thought I had already settled. As I pursued new skills and knowledge, I realized how very much there still is to know.

As I've been reflecting on the last six months, I am deeply grateful. Although in many ways, this summer was the opposite of what I wanted, but exactly what I needed.

Sometimes, we need to go back to go forward. I needed to regress my physical training to find and address the injuries and weaknesses that were holding me back. And the same principle holds true in the emotional, spiritual, and career areas.

Because of the regression I experienced this summer, I am more mature, more settled, beginning to be stronger, and have a clearer idea of where I need to work on, learn, and grow in.

Regression before progression. Going back and restoring the foundations. It's a good thing. And if this is happening in your life, I'm excited for what God is doing, and for what will be.

Money and Death

When I opened my banking app today and found a $1,200 deposit from the IRS, my heart sank.

If it were a physical check, I'm not sure I'd deposit it. Not because I can't use the money (each dollar has at least 3 potential uses), but because I have a deep uneasiness about what is behind this.

I've thought about this, prayed and pondered. And I began to realize that the heaviness I feel has almost nothing to do with the money itself. Rather, the issue is trust. Will I begin to trust the government to bail me out whenever there is an challenge? Or will I look to God and family and community?

I have looked death in the face more than once. Physical death, that is. And each time, I discovered that it isn't as scary or as hard as I thought it would be. And the realization set me free to truly live.

But this last month was the first time I truly looked financial death in the face. (I've been nearly broke before, but I never actually looked it in the face. This time, I wasn't in denial about what might happen.) And when I faced it honestly and without flinching, I realized that it would be horrid but it would not kill me. And when I did this, and realized this, I began to experience the most amazing series of financial and relational miracles. Odd jobs. Outright gifts, large and small. Connections and trust built with people whom I hadn't yet learned to trust. Relationships deepened, trust increased, with many of those I already trusted.

And now, this check feels like a threat to all this.

And I don't think that's an exaggeration. I think it could be a deadly threat. If I allow it to be.

But I'm beginning to realize that it doesn't have to be. I can use it to continue the cycle. I can trust that this too is a gift, a blessing from God, an opportunity to respond in faith and not in fear. An opportunity to truly live.