Tuesday Thoughts on Singleness and Imposter Syndrome

Image by Pawel Czerwinski via Unsplash

There are some things nobody really talks about. And I don’t mean the random and largely unimportant things like having a favorite burner on the stove, or always putting the same sock on first, or secretly being afraid that you’ll trip on concrete and knock your front teeth out.

I mean things like how we all feel inadequate, and how hard it is to make friends as an adult, and how many times we’re blindsided by an idea or realization that we hadn’t ever seen, somehow. We don’t usually talk about these things.

While hanging up the laundry on my sturdy wooden clothes rack tonight (find a similar one here), I got to thinking about being single and thirty-five, and how unexpected it’s been, somehow. Not the part about being single so much, although twenty-year-old-me certainly didn’t expect herself to be still single at thirty-five. But what it’s been like, that’s been unexpected.

35. The big three five.

No big deal, I thought. Another birthday. Except that for some reason I really didn’t feel like celebrating this one. So much so, I considered hiding it, not mentioning it to anyone, and hoping nobody remembered to send cards. (I’m almost embarrassed to admit how very much I wanted to avoid it.)

Tonight, in the midst of the rhythmic movement of hanging clothes, I found some ideas about why.

1. Myth: If you’re single and don’t want to be, it’s all your fault and there’s something wrong with you that you aren’t willing to fix.
   There’s a LOT of books, Instagram accounts, podcasts, and “dating coaches” perpetuating this idea. Just follow this process, buy this program, do these four things, change this attitude, and you will have good men falling over themselves to date you, they promise.
   Swallowing this idea has tripped me up, stomped my ribs, and left me gasping in the dust. And the vicious thing is, there is just enough truth in the idea to make it seem all true. For many of us, there really are areas that we need to work on in order to become “marriageable”. Where I got tripped up was the notion that I could somehow earn a relationship and that if I didn’t get what I wanted, it was a reflection on my own worth. Which becomes a vicious cycle wherein passing time constantly and mockingly affirms my lack.
   I’m still working through this one. No wise words of wisdom, no neatly wrapped package of ideas on how to work through this belief and come out the other side happy and secure.

2. “Advanced Maternal Age”. Thirty-five is the arbitrary age at which all pregnancies become automatically “high risk” because of the mother is now officially old. When I turned thirty, I grieved the fact that I will never birth a child in my twenties, like all my grade-school peers did (that’s right, every single one of them, except me). At thirty-five, I had to grieve the fact that I will never have a low-risk pregnancy, from a medical standpoint (I’m not getting into how I don’t agree with this, except to say that I don’t). And of course there is the increasing likelihood of never being able to have a biological child, which is also an unexpectedly heavy grief.

3. The myth of the expected career timeline. I’ve had an interesting and varied career, working in more areas than the average nurse, and gaining some unique skill and knowledge combinations, even including some overseas work. However, this jill-of-all-trades approach means that I feel like I’m barely getting started when my younger peers are often highly skilled in their niche. If I’m not careful, I will start to feel like an absolute failure. But the reality is…

4. Trauma affects one’s ability to learn and take risks. For almost five years. I stayed in a job that required far less of me than I was actually capable of. It took that long for me to work through several major traumatic events and regain my belief in my own ability to learn and tolerate risk. I wish it wasn’t this way, of course, and I wish I had been able to move on from it sooner. But I’m learning to have compassion and kindness towards myself, and to delight in the joy of learning as it’s returning.

5. The high cost of caring about excellence. Closely connected to the previous points. Imposter syndrome has been a near-constant companion all of my adult life, and probably even before. Imposter syndrome constantly whispers in my ear that I’m not REALLY good at this, I’ve just somehow fooled people into thinking that I am. Imposter syndrome says that I shouldn’t take risks, because I will fail and then everyone will know that I’m a fraud. It’s taken years to realize that some level of imposter syndrome is normal for anyone who cares about excellence and doing their work well. Now, when it whispers that I’m a fraud who doesn’t know enough, I just remind myself that I care a lot about doing this well, and that there is always more I can and should learn, and allow the discomfort to drive continual improvement instead of keeping me stuck. At least, most of the time. Occasionally I need a friend to bring me back to a more balanced view.

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Book Recommendations from a Nurse

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This was such a fun post to write! I rediscovered books I’d forgotten about, and realized anew how much fun this genre is to read.

 This blog post provides over fifty healthcare-related book recommendations from a voracious reader and veteran nurse. Handy links take you straight to Amazon (although as an avid thrifter, I would definitely recommend also checking your favorite used book shop, whether brick or online!).

Books are in no particular order. Most are story/memoir, a few are more clinical, included as essential references for every person who might end up needing or providing care. Enjoy these reviews!

Robert D. Lesslie wrote a delightful series about his experiences as an ER doc, weaving together medical writing, laughter, compassion, and faith. (He died a few years ago, victim of a random shooting. I felt real grief at the loss of a man who’s books have so encouraged and inspired me.) Find all his books here.

Angels in the ER

Miracles in the ER

Angels on the Night Shift

Angels on Call

Angels and Heroes

Notes from a Doctor’s Pocket

Doctor Lesslie also wrote a few books on common medical problems, addressing what people need to know and how to care well for yourself. I haven’t read these (in fact, I didn’t realize he’d written them until I was writing this blog), but I’m sure they are excellent too.

How to Shit Around the World, Jane Wilson-Howarth Light, fun, and funny, with a smattering of solid practical and medical advice. (Don't read it if you are easily grossed out, or readily offended by frank discussion of bodily functions.)

A Midwife’s Story: Life, Love, and Birth Among the Amish, Penny Armstrong Stories from a midwife’s practice in an Amish community, and some of the interesting situations she found herself in. A combination medical-coming-of-age story and a cross-cultural reflection.

In His Image, Paul W. Brand. When the renowned "leprosy doctor" Paul Brand and writer Phillip Yancey team up, the result is a book with a storyteller's heart, a scientist's precision, a theologian's passion, and a healer's compassion. Absolutely excellent.

Confessions of a Skirt-Wearing EMT, Elizabeth J. Lapp Hop in for a ride along with EMT Liz (Boss) Lapp. Written in present tense, this memoir is a fascinating romp through the fire/EMS career of an intrepid Mennonite youngster. Careful though; after reading this you may find yourself wanting to sign up for the next available EMT class.

Flying Angels, Danielle Steele. Fascinating history of the medical air evac nurses of WWII, but standard hack writing

The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma, Bessel van der Kolk. Both gripping and hard to read, this is a sweeping review of trauma theory and therapies, told as the story of a therapist trying to find ways to help his suffering clients. Van der Kolk is and remains one of the premier therapists in the growing field of trauma therapy and this book was a key step for me to understand how trauma affects both body and brain, the interconnections, and how effective healing modalities MUST address both. Not from a Christian perspective.

Netter’s Atlas of Human Anatomy. One look at this beautifully illustrated book, and I understood why it remains one of the most popular anatomy textbooks. This book is gorgeous, accurate without getting bogged down in complexity. Worth the price for any serious student.

Dissolving Illusions: Disease, Vaccines, and the Forgotten History, Suzanne Humphries. Sobering and thought-provoking. Probably should be read by every parent and healthcare professional who has responsibility to administer immunizations, to make an informed decision.

Be Your Own “Doctor”, Rachel Weaver. A useful adjunct to other reference works, this provides a slightly scattered approach to herbal treatments, and does not always list essential caveats, assuming more common sense than I think is wise to assume. Nonetheless, worth having.

10 Essential Herbs Simple, easy to understand, this is an excellent reference for someone who wants to get started moving  away from using pharmaceuticals for everything.

Willpower’s Not Enough: Recovering From Addictions of Every Kind, Washton and Boundy. This book was required reading for an addictions class I took in college, and I found it worth keeping. This book cracked the door for me to begin to consider that not all addicts fit the stereotype, and that in fact most (maybe all) of us face unhealthy coping mechanisms and can benefit from understanding what addiction is.

Understanding Addiction, Henderson More academic than the previous title, and less accessible. Still worth reading if you or a loved one struggle with any sort of addiction.

Taking Charge of Your Fertility: The Definitive Guide to Natural Birth Control, Pregnancy Achievement, and Reproductive Health, Toni Weschler This book has the potential to revolutionize your understanding of what happens in a woman’s body during the beautiful dance of her monthly cycle. Highly recommend.

Merck Manual Probably the most widely used medical reference book. Deserves a place on every bookshelf.

Davis’s Drug Guide for Nurses I probably use this more often than any other reference book I own, except maybe Nutritional Healing. All the information you need to know on almost any medication that you’ll find in the United States. The link is to the latest edition as of the time of this writing.

Training for the Uphill Athlete: A Manual for Mountain Runners and Ski Mountaineers Even if you never run or ski, and never spend time in the mountains, this book is essential reading for athletes at any level. I learned more about how to build endurance and train well over a lifetime from this book than any other resource I’ve yet seen.

Unwanted: How Sexual Brokenness Reveals Our Way to Healing, Jay Stringer More than any other book on broken sexuality I’ve read, this book provides hope and lifts shame. Highly recommend.

The Ghost Map: The Story of London's Most Terrifying Epidemic--and How It Changed Science, Cities, and the Modern World, Steven Johnson The fascinating story of the cholera outbreak of 1854, and the observant doctor who dared challenge current assumptions.

The Spirit Catches You and You Fall Down: A Hmong Child, Her American Doctors, and the Collision of Two Cultures, Anne Fadiman This book was a little too politically correct for me (moral relativism combined with thou-must-accept-everyone’s-beliefs-without-question). Still, it’s a solid read and recommended for anyone who enjoys reading about both medicine and culture.

The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks, Rebecca Skloot A black woman, a deadly disease, a researcher who forgot the humanity of his patients. And a cell culture line that grew and grew and made unnumerable laboratory research experiments possible.

90 Minutes in Heaven: A True Story of Life and Death, Don Piper Dead on scene, he experienced heaven. A friend prayed, and he came back.

And the Band Played On: Politics, People, and the AIDS Epidemic, Randy Shilts. Graphic, disturbing, and not at all politically neutral. Read only if you are okay with frank descriptions of LGBT sexual acts.

Being Mortal: Medicine and What Matters in the End, Atul Gawande. Medicine is not good at letting people die well. Atul Gawande aims to change that. This is his story, his father’s story, and the story of a doctor who is learning how to have the hard conversations that modern medicine has made necessary.

Tuesdays with Morrie, Mitch Albom He sat with a dying man, and learned about life.

When Breath Becomes Air, Paul Kalanithi Stage four lung cancer. And just like that, a doctor becomes a patient, and wrestles with his own mortality, and what makes life worth living.

Oliver Sacks is a neurologist who tells a tale with compassion, insight and poetic lyricism. Here are three of his books.

The Man Who Mistook His Wife for a Hat and Other Clinical Tales

Seeing Voices

A Leg to Stand On

A More Excellent Way: Spiritual Roots of Diseases, Pathways to Wholeness, Henry Wright Does physical disease have connections to spiritual brokenness? Henry Wright says yes, in this collection of stories about his experiences in helping people find healing.

Not All of Us are Saints: A Doctor’s Journey with the Poor, David Hilfiker One of the more memorable books I’ve read. Dr Hilfiker moved into poverty-stricken Washington D.C. and discovered that idealism isn’t enough. With humility, compassion, and clarity, he tells the story of the growth of an inner-city physician into a man of courage and humility who recognizes his own limits.

Dr. Frau: A Woman Doctor Among the Amish. Grace Kaiser A family doctor tells stories of her experiences among the Amish of Lancaster County, Pennsylvania.

The Wounded Storyteller, Arthur W. Frank L Stories help us make sense of suffering. And wounded healers, those who have suffered, are often the best storytellers and the best healers.

House Calls and Hitching Posts, Dorcas Sharp Hoover A feel-good story of a country doctor serving in Mount Eaton, Ohio.

The Encyclopedia of Natural Medicine, Murray and Pizzorno   Among the more expensive books on my shelf, this reference is a huge tome with a ton of information.

Where There is No Doctor: A Village Health Care Handbook   Intended for lay health workers in third world contexts, this is a treasure trove of knowledge.

Crash Course: EMT Down and dirty overview of essential knowledge for an emergency medical technician. Intended as test prep and a guide for review, so not useful if you don’t already know the information.

Prescription for Nutritional Healing, Balch and Balch. One of the first nutritional references I invested in, and still one of my first recourses when I’m trying to support my body in fighting off or healing from something. Easy to use, thorough, and clearly shows which supplements are most important and why.

Nourishing Traditions: The Cookbook that Challenges Politically Correct Nutrition and the Diet Dictocrats, Sally Fallon  We need real food. And Sally Fallon does an excellent job of showing us how.

Five Days at Memorial: Life and Death in a Storm-Ravaged Hospital, Sheri Fink.  It only takes five days of chaos. The shocking, sobering, and thought-provoking story of what happened in Memorial Hospital during Hurricane Katrina. Exhausted doctors and nurses faced the excruciating decisions of who got limited resources, who left first and who left last. Or not at all.

Taber’s Cyclopedic Medical Dictionary Another excellent medical reference. Don’t know what a term means? You’ll find the definition here.

Anatomy of an Illness, Normal Cousins  He was sick. Very sick. And the doctor’s didn’t really have any answers, or any hope. So he went home, laughed, mainlined vitamin C, and got better. Absolutely fascinating.

The Maker’s Diet, Jordan Rubin What if Torah had answers for our health problems? Jewish doctor Jordan Rubin thinks so, and wrote a book about it.

Notes on Nursing: What it is, and What it is Not, Florence Nightingale The thoughts of the “first nurse” are still relevant today, and well worth reading. I have two copies of this book, and refer to them oftener than some of the more modern texts.

On Death and Dying: What the Dying Have to Teach Doctors, Nurses, Clergy and Their Own Families, Elisabeth Kubler-Ross We will all die. Not that we like to think about this too much, but perhaps we should. Kubler-Ross spent years with those who were dying, and their families, and “wrote the book” on grief. If you work with people, or care for someone who is grieving, this is worth reading.

The High Cost of Holistic Healing, Nolan Byler Not every alternative medicine practice is innocent, and Byler pleads with us to learn to discern the difference.

Holding Out Hope: Mental Health for the Plain Communities, Tony Byler Conservative religious culture has long done poorly in understanding mental health issues. This is an attempt to provide some knowledge and direction.  

Gifted Hands, Ben Carson Beautifully, powerfully told, the story of a black kid from the wrong part of town, who became head of neurosurgery at Johns Hopkins.

Learned Optimism, Martin Seligman The “father of positive psychology” (which looks at how people do well, instead of focusing only on mental disease) writes about how to teach your brain to be more optimistic. Humanistic, so read with discernment.

Serving the Amish: A Cultural Guide for Professionals, James Cates  An interesting perspective from a secular mental health professional, about how Amish culture affects their approach to mental health, and how the professional can best work with the community. It’s good, and I have some serious reservations about the author. So caveat emptor.

Comfort for the Burned and Wounded, John Keim B&W salve is incredible stuff. Here’s the “inventor” himself, telling the story and dispensing wisdom. (Read more about the use of this ointment, here .)

Biblical Guide to Alternative Medicine, Anderson and Jacobson Want to be wise about alternative therapies but have no idea where to start? This book provides a comprehensive but easily accessible guide for how to think (NOT just what to think) about alternative medical modalities.

Cure Unknown: Inside the Lyme Epidemic, Pamela Weintraub As someone who was once labelled mentally ill by my friends when I actually had Lyme disease, this book was absolutely fascinating. Turns out, everything about Lyme disease is controversial, and there are still a lot of questions.

Chicken Soup for the Nurses Soul Probably my favorite of the series. I’m biased, of course, but it really is a fun read.