Tuesday Thoughts on Singleness and Imposter Syndrome

Image by Pawel Czerwinski via Unsplash

There are some things nobody really talks about. And I don’t mean the random and largely unimportant things like having a favorite burner on the stove, or always putting the same sock on first, or secretly being afraid that you’ll trip on concrete and knock your front teeth out.

I mean things like how we all feel inadequate, and how hard it is to make friends as an adult, and how many times we’re blindsided by an idea or realization that we hadn’t ever seen, somehow. We don’t usually talk about these things.

While hanging up the laundry on my sturdy wooden clothes rack tonight (find a similar one here), I got to thinking about being single and thirty-five, and how unexpected it’s been, somehow. Not the part about being single so much, although twenty-year-old-me certainly didn’t expect herself to be still single at thirty-five. But what it’s been like, that’s been unexpected.

35. The big three five.

No big deal, I thought. Another birthday. Except that for some reason I really didn’t feel like celebrating this one. So much so, I considered hiding it, not mentioning it to anyone, and hoping nobody remembered to send cards. (I’m almost embarrassed to admit how very much I wanted to avoid it.)

Tonight, in the midst of the rhythmic movement of hanging clothes, I found some ideas about why.

1. Myth: If you’re single and don’t want to be, it’s all your fault and there’s something wrong with you that you aren’t willing to fix.
   There’s a LOT of books, Instagram accounts, podcasts, and “dating coaches” perpetuating this idea. Just follow this process, buy this program, do these four things, change this attitude, and you will have good men falling over themselves to date you, they promise.
   Swallowing this idea has tripped me up, stomped my ribs, and left me gasping in the dust. And the vicious thing is, there is just enough truth in the idea to make it seem all true. For many of us, there really are areas that we need to work on in order to become “marriageable”. Where I got tripped up was the notion that I could somehow earn a relationship and that if I didn’t get what I wanted, it was a reflection on my own worth. Which becomes a vicious cycle wherein passing time constantly and mockingly affirms my lack.
   I’m still working through this one. No wise words of wisdom, no neatly wrapped package of ideas on how to work through this belief and come out the other side happy and secure.

2. “Advanced Maternal Age”. Thirty-five is the arbitrary age at which all pregnancies become automatically “high risk” because of the mother is now officially old. When I turned thirty, I grieved the fact that I will never birth a child in my twenties, like all my grade-school peers did (that’s right, every single one of them, except me). At thirty-five, I had to grieve the fact that I will never have a low-risk pregnancy, from a medical standpoint (I’m not getting into how I don’t agree with this, except to say that I don’t). And of course there is the increasing likelihood of never being able to have a biological child, which is also an unexpectedly heavy grief.

3. The myth of the expected career timeline. I’ve had an interesting and varied career, working in more areas than the average nurse, and gaining some unique skill and knowledge combinations, even including some overseas work. However, this jill-of-all-trades approach means that I feel like I’m barely getting started when my younger peers are often highly skilled in their niche. If I’m not careful, I will start to feel like an absolute failure. But the reality is…

4. Trauma affects one’s ability to learn and take risks. For almost five years. I stayed in a job that required far less of me than I was actually capable of. It took that long for me to work through several major traumatic events and regain my belief in my own ability to learn and tolerate risk. I wish it wasn’t this way, of course, and I wish I had been able to move on from it sooner. But I’m learning to have compassion and kindness towards myself, and to delight in the joy of learning as it’s returning.

5. The high cost of caring about excellence. Closely connected to the previous points. Imposter syndrome has been a near-constant companion all of my adult life, and probably even before. Imposter syndrome constantly whispers in my ear that I’m not REALLY good at this, I’ve just somehow fooled people into thinking that I am. Imposter syndrome says that I shouldn’t take risks, because I will fail and then everyone will know that I’m a fraud. It’s taken years to realize that some level of imposter syndrome is normal for anyone who cares about excellence and doing their work well. Now, when it whispers that I’m a fraud who doesn’t know enough, I just remind myself that I care a lot about doing this well, and that there is always more I can and should learn, and allow the discomfort to drive continual improvement instead of keeping me stuck. At least, most of the time. Occasionally I need a friend to bring me back to a more balanced view.

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Single and Sexual, part deux

In the first blog post about singleness and sexuality, I wrote about the grand Story of the King and the Bride. The Story that you and I are invited to partake in, the Grand Epic that sweeps time and eternity.

In this post, I tackle some of the nitty-gritty questions and challenges around singleness and sexuality. Many of the principles are the same as for marrieds, of course, but because I am single I’m writing from that perspective. Many of these questions are those submitted by readers on my Instagram page @gesundheit.nurse

“Marriage is our design, but that does not mean it is our purpose.” (Anita Yoder, Life is for Living (Not for Waiting Around) )

Why, just why, did God make us sexual beings if He knew that so many of us would never get to be married and experience marital intimacy? That’s a burning, sometimes bitter, question for many of us, especially women.

And quite frankly, there are times when I’ve asked God if He couldn’t just take these desire away since there isn’t any purpose for them anyway, as far as I can see.

But as I’ve wrestled with these questions, I’ve been reminded again and again that there is a bigger picture, and our sexuality is a glorious part of the Grand Story.

I know that God is able and wants to meet every longing and desire that we have and wants to be like a husband to us. But I often wonder how he's able to meet the longing for physical intimacy that we have. Is that something that we'll never get to enjoy if we never get married?

The simple, blunt answer is No.

And that comes with very deep, real pain. Dwelling on it can be overwhelming. Ignoring it is usually unhealthy.

Take it to God. Tell Him how much it hurts. Be vulnerable with God. Allow yourself to weep as long and hard as you need to.

And then get up, wash your face, and go live a rich and full life. Kick out any lies that say you are somehow less than. Gratitude is powerful; practice it regularly.

It seems like everything is now blamed on our past and childhood trauma. Why do I need to dig up the past? Aren’t we covered by the blood of the Lamb? I would rather live in the present than in the past, because God doesn’t remember.

This objection against digging into the past is very common. We'd like to think that everything BC (before Christ) is sealed into a black box and cannot affect the present.

The reality is, if your past (trauma, experiences, beliefs you picked up as a child) is affecting your present sexuality (or any other area of life), then it IS IN THE PRESENT and we have the right and the privilege of dealing with it now.

It seems to me that this refusal to look at the past is actually a form of unbelief. Faith says that Jesus broke the power of sin, and if I'm not living in that reality then everything that affects this must be brought to Him.

And as we do that, He is faithful to heal the present pain and remove the ties to past trauma.

I'll link a podcast episode that was quite the interesting on this topic of past trauma affecting current sexual brokenness. Although that's not the subject they're tackling directly, the guests (who have spent years coaching men and women through the process of finding freedom from porn and other sexual addictions) share their collective experiences about how the past affects the present, and how acknowledging this is key to healing.

Unhelpful to hear the traditional church views of don't awaken love before it's time. We're already long past that.... Now what.

Immerse yourself deeply into the truth of what God intended our sexuality to be. And as you discover what God intended, grieve deeply what was not, and persist in asking for restoration. God desires your restoration even more than you do, and He delights in your asking.

How to deal with sexual desires in a God honoring way. Yes, ladies experience this to.

When God made you a woman, He made you to be sexual. He designed you this way, and He calls it good. Your sexuality is to be embraced and delighted in, to the honor of your Creator, who thought it up in the first place. Recognizing this is perhaps the first step in stewarding your sexual desires well.

Ask God to give you a deep reverence for the holiness and glory of sexual intercourse within marriage. As you begin to see this reality, your desires themselves will begin to change, and to align with the original design.

PS. A desire for sexual intimacy is not itself wrong. It is good and holy and to be held carefully and reverently.

At what point can you call something sexual abuse, what if it isn't the action itself, but rather other things that cause you to question?

I find it helpful to think in terms of violation. Violation occurs when God's boundaries are overrun. If you feel violated, find someone safe and mature and talk to them about what you experienced.

I got several questions on masturbation. (By definition, masturbation is the manipulation of one's own genitals for sexual pleasure. Just so we know what we're talking about.)

I am not convinced that the act of masturbation, all by itself, is always sin.

However, I am convinced that compulsive or excessive masturbation isn't healthy. And even secular researchers acknowledge that masturbation often leads to sexual dysfunction and an inability to enjoy intimacy with one's (future) spouse. That seems like a good reason to abstain. (Link to study)

Also. Pornography and masturbation and lust often go together. Lust is sin. Pornography is sin. Abstinence from those will most likely require abstinence from masturbation too.

Finally. Secular sources are pretty open about masturbation being "self sex" or "solo sex". Which means that it's still sex outside marriage, and therefore outside the bounds of what God calls good.

Don't take my word for this. Ask God to show you how He sees this. He will. And He'll also change your beliefs and desires if needed.

Is it true that because of sexual abuse your sex drive will be more intense? Claiming that you don't desire anything you know nothing of.

I have seen it work like this, where sexual desires are woken up much too early.

It can also work the other way, where someone is shut down sexually, and wants nothing to do with anything sexual.

Both of these are normal responses to an abnormal experience. Both need healing and restoration. Both are not to be ashamed of, but to be acknowledged as brokenness.

*acting on those too early sexual desires is often sin, and this of course must be addressed as such. But recognize the brokenness behind it, too.

How can a sexually abused. person have an intense sex drive? Considering that their only sexual interaction was horrible.

Our brains and bodies work in some pretty incredible and complex ways.

Sexual abuse overloads and overwhelms the brain circuits. Especially for children, who are not ready for sex, much less sexual abuse. Connections get scrambled, and things get linked that aren't meant to be. Desires can be woken up that ought to have stayed asleep for many years yet. For some, that leads to intense sexual desires into adulthood. Those desires are often connected to intense shame because of the abuse. Recognizing how it works is often a step toward healing.

God can and does rewire those broken circuits, to healthy, normal desires. Cry out to Him for this. He delights to hear your cries and begin the rewiring process.

What would you tell someone who is struggling with impure thoughts and pictures coming to mind and desperately wants to be free of them but feels like they are out of her control?

First of all, I'm cheering you on. This is a holy battle, and very much worth all the effort and tears and vulnerability.

If possible, find a safe, mature woman to confide in face to face. Ask her if she would be willing to walk with you through this. You are not meant to walk this alone.

Remember: I cannot. He can. (This is absolutely impossible in our own strength. It is absolutely possible with God.)

I don't know exactly why some people seem to find almost instant freedom and others have a long fight. Walk YOUR journey and don't worry that it's different from others. God will honor your persistence and your desire to honor Him in your sexuality.

I'm so proud of you.

Also check out Pure Desire podcast. They have a lot of good resources for both men and women.

As always, I love hearing from my readers. Drop a comment below, or come find me on Instagram (@gesundheit.nurse).

Links within this blog post may be affiliate links, and I may make a small commission if you purchase products using those lnks.

Single and Sexual

Is it worth pursuing sexual wholeness if we never get married (and never have sex)?

It's been several months now since I spoke about healthy sexuality at the Beautifully Broken conference, and the conversations and confidences I've had since then have been incredible. I've learned so much, and been so humbled by the trust so many have put in me.

And this question keeps coming up. But what if I'm single? What if I never get married and never have sex? Does it even matter? Is it worth the struggle and vulnerability, to pursue wholeness?

I can say confidently, because I'm living it, that it is so very worth it to pursue wholeness and healing as a single. The joy and confidence and maturity that I have, because I chose to walk (and am still walking; I've not “arrived” in any sense!) through the process of healing.... It's absolutely incredible.

We are ALL sexual beings, and single and married have more in common than different when it comes to what healthy sexuality looks like. Stewarding our sexuality looks a little different, but the core principles are the same.

So if you're asking this question: let me say first, YES, it matters, and it's absolutely worth it.

If you have the the Spirit of God within you: You are, for all eternity, the Bride of God himself, and He longs for you to be pure and whole and healthy. Not just for his own sake, but for yours.

I see you there, hesitating. So many more questions. So much doubt and pain and a tentative hope.

What does it even mean that it's worth it? Like, how is it worth it?

And deeper questions than this:

Why did God make us sexual? What was He thinking when He put Adam under and pulled out a rib in the first recorded surgical operation? And why did he make sex feel so good, but some of us never get to experience it? Why does sexual abuse hurt so much and go so deep into our very being?

To answer these questions, we must pull back and take a look at the much bigger story. Back, before there was time.

Back to a God who was full and complete in themselves, filled with Love that spilled over and longed for a Bride to ravish. He didn't NEED a bride; he wanted one.

And they (the Trinity) came up with the most audacious plan in all of history, a plan that included himself becoming the bride-price, a plan that would wound him unto death itself….for the sake of a bride who might or might not say yes to his proposal.

He knew. Before he opened his mouth and spoke light into being, he knew. Knew the anguish, the pain, the bitter herbs and the gall, the cross and his mother's tears. Knew what it would cost, and looked at himself, and at us, and said a resounding YES that rang into time itself.

A YES that began before Eden, before the serpent was created, before the fateful day, before the corruption of all that was good.

A YES that declared his bride to be worthy of the price, even the price of his own death and the great grief of heaven.

This is the backdrop against which He created men and women and made them sexual beings. No, it is not the backdrop; it is the very fabric of the story itself. Our sexuality is an expression of His own deepest longings and great self-sacrificial love. He made us so that the deepest and most intimate parts of our bodies and souls and spirits are a reflection of, and a participation in, HIS love and desire.

From the moment we are born, we have within us a latent sexuality. This is evident in the delighted cries of midwives the world over : It's a boy! It's a girl! This gendered-ness is an elemental part of who we are, one of the first things noticed and established as we enter the world.

By the way, sexuality cannot be separated from masculinity and femininity. The two are intertwined in ways that I will not take time to explore here. But suffice it to say we come into the world as sexual beings, and while our sexuality grows and matures, we do not suddenly become sexual beings when we get married or turn twenty-one or whatever the magic age is.

So. We are all sexual beings (whether married or unmarried). And we are all, to some degree or other, sexually broken. Some of us have experienced horrific abuse. Some of us have experienced groping and being hit on or subjected to dirty jokes. All of us have seen pornographic images on billboards and in magazines. Many of us have grown up in homes where sexuality was somehow seen as a secretive and dirty thing. We all have twisted ideas and mistaken beliefs and some level of dysfunction. We are all broken.

And if we are single, it can be easy to believe that our brokenness is what is keeping us from marriage, and if only we could fix ourselves God would reward us with a perfect husband/wife and crazy good sex. Or we can believe that because sexuality is only for marriage, it isn't worth trying to be whole and healed if we are single. Neither of these are true.

Truth is: in the eyes of heaven, you (men, you too) are the Bride of the Christ. YOU are the subject of the greatest love story of all time. You are the beloved and desired one.

You don't get to decide this, by the way. You ARE beloved by the King of kings Himself, and the only choice you get in the matter is whether you will receive this magnificent love and live joyfully in it.

And that really is the "secret" to sexual wholeness. Leaning into that love and letting the light of it cast out all the darkness and heal the brokenness and replace the lies.

Back to the question: is it worth it, to pursue sexual wholeness? Is it worth it if you are single? Is it worth it if you are married? Is it worth it if you are married but the marriage is terrible? Is it worth it if you've been horribly abused and you feel so dirty and unlovable? Is it worth it if you are separated from your spouse but committed to the convenant? Is it worth it if____?

And to all those, a resounding YES. Yes, it is worth it. Worth it no matter the circumstances you find yourself in.

The question strikes me as being akin to asking whether it's worth having my broken leg set if I'm not intending to be an Olympian. Of course it is; walking without a limp is going to make my life better no matter what I do. (That's a rather bad simile, because marriages are not as rare as Olympians. But you get the point.)

Healed is better than broken. Wholeness is better than bondage. We are always more effective when we are well.

The journey is hard, even excruciating at times. Vulnerability is scary, and sometimes painful. Healing doesn't happen on a set schedule, and when we begin, we do not know exactly what we are signing up for.

But. The end is worth it. Healing really is available. And wholeness is a glorious thing.

Will you say yes to Him, and begin (or continue) the journey?

Go for it, brave one. I'm cheering you on! And so is all of heaven.