Is it worth pursuing sexual wholeness if we never get married (and never have sex)?
It's been several months now since I spoke about healthy sexuality at the Beautifully Broken conference, and the conversations and confidences I've had since then have been incredible. I've learned so much, and been so humbled by the trust so many have put in me.
And this question keeps coming up. But what if I'm single? What if I never get married and never have sex? Does it even matter? Is it worth the struggle and vulnerability, to pursue wholeness?
I can say confidently, because I'm living it, that it is so very worth it to pursue wholeness and healing as a single. The joy and confidence and maturity that I have, because I chose to walk (and am still walking; I've not “arrived” in any sense!) through the process of healing.... It's absolutely incredible.
We are ALL sexual beings, and single and married have more in common than different when it comes to what healthy sexuality looks like. Stewarding our sexuality looks a little different, but the core principles are the same.
So if you're asking this question: let me say first, YES, it matters, and it's absolutely worth it.
If you have the the Spirit of God within you: You are, for all eternity, the Bride of God himself, and He longs for you to be pure and whole and healthy. Not just for his own sake, but for yours.
I see you there, hesitating. So many more questions. So much doubt and pain and a tentative hope.
What does it even mean that it's worth it? Like, how is it worth it?
And deeper questions than this:
Why did God make us sexual? What was He thinking when He put Adam under and pulled out a rib in the first recorded surgical operation? And why did he make sex feel so good, but some of us never get to experience it? Why does sexual abuse hurt so much and go so deep into our very being?
To answer these questions, we must pull back and take a look at the much bigger story. Back, before there was time.
Back to a God who was full and complete in themselves, filled with Love that spilled over and longed for a Bride to ravish. He didn't NEED a bride; he wanted one.
And they (the Trinity) came up with the most audacious plan in all of history, a plan that included himself becoming the bride-price, a plan that would wound him unto death itself….for the sake of a bride who might or might not say yes to his proposal.
He knew. Before he opened his mouth and spoke light into being, he knew. Knew the anguish, the pain, the bitter herbs and the gall, the cross and his mother's tears. Knew what it would cost, and looked at himself, and at us, and said a resounding YES that rang into time itself.
A YES that began before Eden, before the serpent was created, before the fateful day, before the corruption of all that was good.
A YES that declared his bride to be worthy of the price, even the price of his own death and the great grief of heaven.
This is the backdrop against which He created men and women and made them sexual beings. No, it is not the backdrop; it is the very fabric of the story itself. Our sexuality is an expression of His own deepest longings and great self-sacrificial love. He made us so that the deepest and most intimate parts of our bodies and souls and spirits are a reflection of, and a participation in, HIS love and desire.
From the moment we are born, we have within us a latent sexuality. This is evident in the delighted cries of midwives the world over : It's a boy! It's a girl! This gendered-ness is an elemental part of who we are, one of the first things noticed and established as we enter the world.
By the way, sexuality cannot be separated from masculinity and femininity. The two are intertwined in ways that I will not take time to explore here. But suffice it to say we come into the world as sexual beings, and while our sexuality grows and matures, we do not suddenly become sexual beings when we get married or turn twenty-one or whatever the magic age is.
So. We are all sexual beings (whether married or unmarried). And we are all, to some degree or other, sexually broken. Some of us have experienced horrific abuse. Some of us have experienced groping and being hit on or subjected to dirty jokes. All of us have seen pornographic images on billboards and in magazines. Many of us have grown up in homes where sexuality was somehow seen as a secretive and dirty thing. We all have twisted ideas and mistaken beliefs and some level of dysfunction. We are all broken.
And if we are single, it can be easy to believe that our brokenness is what is keeping us from marriage, and if only we could fix ourselves God would reward us with a perfect husband/wife and crazy good sex. Or we can believe that because sexuality is only for marriage, it isn't worth trying to be whole and healed if we are single. Neither of these are true.
Truth is: in the eyes of heaven, you (men, you too) are the Bride of the Christ. YOU are the subject of the greatest love story of all time. You are the beloved and desired one.
You don't get to decide this, by the way. You ARE beloved by the King of kings Himself, and the only choice you get in the matter is whether you will receive this magnificent love and live joyfully in it.
And that really is the "secret" to sexual wholeness. Leaning into that love and letting the light of it cast out all the darkness and heal the brokenness and replace the lies.
Back to the question: is it worth it, to pursue sexual wholeness? Is it worth it if you are single? Is it worth it if you are married? Is it worth it if you are married but the marriage is terrible? Is it worth it if you've been horribly abused and you feel so dirty and unlovable? Is it worth it if you are separated from your spouse but committed to the convenant? Is it worth it if____?
And to all those, a resounding YES. Yes, it is worth it. Worth it no matter the circumstances you find yourself in.
The question strikes me as being akin to asking whether it's worth having my broken leg set if I'm not intending to be an Olympian. Of course it is; walking without a limp is going to make my life better no matter what I do. (That's a rather bad simile, because marriages are not as rare as Olympians. But you get the point.)
Healed is better than broken. Wholeness is better than bondage. We are always more effective when we are well.
The journey is hard, even excruciating at times. Vulnerability is scary, and sometimes painful. Healing doesn't happen on a set schedule, and when we begin, we do not know exactly what we are signing up for.
But. The end is worth it. Healing really is available. And wholeness is a glorious thing.
Will you say yes to Him, and begin (or continue) the journey?
Go for it, brave one. I'm cheering you on! And so is all of heaven.